Technology, Sex and Dating: Navigating a Crazy New World
I recently asked my readers to share what their biggest frustrations and problems are. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the incredible number of responses from loyal followers and readers and I took great time and energy to read and respond to each one. While there were many topics that dealt with addiction, marriage, parenting, stress and work (all to be addressed in later articles), there was one topic, by far, which stood out above all others. Like a perfectly woven thread, this topic unknowingly bound together dozens of perfect strangers, all of whom were plagued by the same demons – dating, technology and sex.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, there are countless people trying to date for marriage, but finding no success. They begin to question whether they are being naïve and fairytale-esque simply by wanting to find their soul mate and start a life and family together.
How tragic is it, that the core, fundamental goal of building a home together with a beloved spouse is now looked at by so many as a pipe dream! Why is that so many women are reporting that the men they meet and have high hopes for, are typically looking for a one night stand, or worse, they are already married?! (Also to be addressed in a later article).
Technology has added an incredible boost in our ability to meet more people than ever before. However, with increased technology the quantity of prospects has increased and the quality has decreased. I am a big believer in mature people using online dating in a responsible way and enjoying results. However, the abundance of apps currently on the market, all have one thing in common. It is not that they are encouraging meaningless sexual encounters. Rather, it’s what is beneath the surface of that problem, and that is, that the apps are playing directly into a person’s impulsivity.
It is that impulsive nature, which, in an already over-distracted ADHD world, only further disintegrates the courtship process. Thus, instead of heading down the long road of searching for meaningful and fulfilling relationships, the quick, easy and impulsive thing to do is find a one-night stand. After all, think about the fact that the apps are based on GPS location. In other words, “just show me person who is close by to me at this very moment". Ultimately, by giving into the impulsive behaviors, one forms an unhealthy reinforced pattern. This can lead to compulsive or even addictive sexual activity and keeps a person on that same lonely path. As time goes on, one will likely face a web of lies, shame, loneliness and depression and runs the risk of physically or emotionally hurting themselves or those they meet.
The task of creating a home and building a future, is far from an impulsive undertaking. It is not something that is done with a single swipe, after only .02 seconds of viewing a single photo of a person. It takes work, hard work! It takes knowing yourself more than anything, and then learning to know the essence of another person. Love develops over time when you learn to appreciate and admire the incredible qualities of that other person. The more you can know someone, the stronger the foundation and the better off the relationship. Though it takes time - it is well worth the investment!
I have a great deal of compassion and respect for my clients who struggle with the challenges of dating. While being single today has many wonderful opportunities, it is not without hardships. For anyone that his looking for a meaningful relationship, I will share four key suggestions:
- Try to stay away from the more impulsive apps and lean towards the more marriage-oriented dating sites.
- Find a dating coach, mentor or therapist. This is not just a friend or roommate you can talk to, but a trained and objective person who can help you map our your goals and explore the ideal ways to achieve them, without enduring unnecessary emotional rollercoaster rides.
- Of course, one of the best and proven methods to meet real people that have marriage potential, is to ask a friend to set you up with someone that is known to them and who shares your same goals.
- Finally, Stay positive! Don’t stop living just because you haven’t found your soul mate. They will come along in due time! But in the interim, keep developing yourself into the most awesome version of you without compromise or succumbing to impulsivity. Ultimately, your spouse, children and household will one day be the primary beneficiaries of your continued strength, optimism and zest for life!
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